Aries (21 March to 20 April)
Have you been using a new word lately but don’t really know where you picked it up? Google it, I do not think it means what you think it means.
Taurus (21 April to 21 May)
You know that cute boy/girl you met on Tinder last week. Go for it! This is true love, do you think this happens every day?
Gemini (22 May to 22 June)
It can be hard to recover from the end of a relationship… you know, if that’s what you’re doing. Try to keep in mind that even death cannot stop true love, all it can do is delay it for a while.
Cancer (23 June to 22 July)
If someone says ‘As you wish’ it doesn’t always mean they love you. Don’t believe everything you see in the movies.
Leo (23 July to 23 August)
No one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley. If that’s your name, change it.
Virgo (24 August to 22 September)
Don’t make decisions when you’re overtired.
Libra (23 September to 23 October)
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. Don’t worry though because you spent the last few years building up an immunity to Iocane powder.
Scorpio (24 October to 22 November)
You may be thinking about investing in some property this month. Don’t build a summer home in a swamp even if the trees there are quite lovely.
Sagittarius (23 November to 21 December)
When all else is lost: rhyme!
Capricorn (22 December to 20 January)
We’re four months into 2016 and things are starting to get hectic. Let’s face it, you’re swamped, we all are. Get some rest, if you haven’t got your health you haven’t got anything.
Aquarius (21 January to 18 February)
Be on the lookout for a six-fingered man. He may be cross you or your father in a business deal. Just remember, there’s not a lot of money in revenge.
Pisces (19 February to 20 March)
Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
(Horoscopes weren’t made to be optimistic… were they?)
*My thanks to William Goldman, whose wonderful lines I’ve shamelessly pilfered.*