This one time, I was working in a shop and I recognised someone I’d gone to high school with come in. I was putting surplus stock under a table so was obscured from sight, but then… I ran out of stock. My next duty would be to stand and help customers, of which she was one. Instead I remained crouched behind that table, shifting invisible boxes until she left. Was I embarrassed by my low level job which was undoubtably (probably, possibly) overshadowed by her moderate success? Yes, but I also don’t really like talking to people I know but aren’t friends with. I find it awkward. Does that mean something’s wrong with me?
I find it hard to express my feelings. A friend of mine once told me that I put on a voice whenever I talk about something serious and they’re right. It’s like I’m allergic to deep ‘n’ meaningfuls (unless they’re about someone else’s inner turmoil, then I’m sweet). If I need to talk to somebody or tell them something I have to psyche myself up. Once I had to give someone some bad news that affected us both and possibly our relationship. I had a spontaneous opportunity to tell them but I backed out. I needed to plan the time and the place before I could do it and when I did I remember everything around the persons face blurring. This is an extreme example, but still, is there something wrong with me? Other people don’t get this, I know. They adopt the ‘just do it’ mentality and who can blame them, it makes more sense. But I’m a suppresser and an internaliser. It’s probably diagnosable but I don’t care to find out.
This makes it sound like I’m totally socially inept but I have friends and talk to strangers, I feel comfortable at parties and other events, I even make new friends on occasion and take the initiative to get out of the house. I just have a few issues, how about you?